Me: Look at this cross stitch of a clown. Someone made that on purpose.
Callie: The perfect secret santa gift.
Me: (stares)
Callie: What?
(At the airport)
Ivy: Is someone bringing a whole ass TV?
Me: Is that Criss Angel?
Rebecca: Is that what Criss Angel looks like?
Me: No.
Fab: I heard a sound, I thought it was rain but it’s fine.
Me: Is it from the recesses of your mind?
Fab: …No, this building’s just old.
Ally: And he said dinner was on him and well, it should’ve been anyway.
Callie: My sister HAS slapped me with a loaf of bread before.
Fab: And I was, yep you look like someone who would leave skid marks.
Andy: But uh, yeah, at least you’re not doing TikTok dances so things aren’t as bad as it could be.
(On men buying us drinks)
Me: But also, I feel bad. Wait, no—
Ally and Me: (in unison) the patriarchy.
Fab: The writing was really bad.
Me: Yeah.
Fab: Too bad she’s a writer.
My Friends Say Things 