Claudia: Those candies were so good, it was better than eating an actual grape. My mouth is watering thinking about it.
Me: Okay, would you choose your husband or those candies?
Claudia: Those candies.
Becca: Who’s that guy again? The guy with the eyes?
Me: Steve Buscemi?
Me: What’s life without some trauma?
Claudia: Pretty great actually, that’s what it would be.
Sinyi: So who goes first on Bumble if they’re both female?
Andy: Oh they just don’t.
Becca: He looks like he’d be a Reddit mod… in a bad way.
Amy: That’s what a glizzy is, a gangster lizard.
Iris: You want real nightmare fuel? They’re making a live action Powerpuff Girls.
Me: You’re a Taurus rising. Tauruses have their shit together.
Jess: No, no, no…
Me: You literally have a house.
Andy: I found one of your hairs in my shirt and it was keeping me company.
Timmy: And there was just this pile of diarrhea outside our door.
Brian: What date was this? Was I travelling?
Timmy: It was in August (shows picture on phone).
Brian: Oh. I’m thinking of a different pile of diarrhea.
My Friends Say Things 