Aileen: Wait, Danny, why are we matching?
Danny: ‘Cause you’re a bad bitch and so am I.
Me: I don’t know if you’re an asset, Muffin.
Becca: She IS! She’s full of ass.
Andy: Do you think you’ll be in the mood after your upper endoscopy?
Richard: Tinder doesn’t let you put your age past 60.
Me: How do you know?
Richard: (frantic) I don’t know!!
Andy: Have you met Ed’s friend?
Yvonne: They all look the same except for Gurjant.
Kevin: And the cruel part is, people in the Pokemon world do eat Pokemon.
Me: I… I miss the person I was ten seconds ago.
Ivy: Mom said to socialize with more people, not cats.
Me: Laos food is known for its sticky rice.
Fab: Didn’t you date a Laotian guy?
Me: I don’t blame you for thinking that but no.
Me: (farts)
Becca: Oh my god.
Me: What?
Becca: Why are you saying what like you didn’t just drop an atomic bomb?
Dustin: Honestly, we should’ve seen it coming. No one goes bald for fun.
My Friends Say Things 