Jess: AHHHHHHH!!
Me: Wait no, you knew this.
Jess: My back cracked for you in excitement!
Alice: I had a huge falling out with my friends so I made gay ones.
Me: I think that’s racist adjacent.
Aileen: MAYBE I WANT TO BE.
Deshi: What’s that guy’s name again?
Me: I think Keef. Like Keith but Keef.
Deshi: I thought it was quiche. But that’s a pie.
Andy: (walks into room) I heard slander about our modern-day Shakespeare, Young Thug.
Aileen: Wait, Danny, why are we matching?
Danny: ‘Cause you’re a bad bitch and so am I.
Me: I don’t know if you’re an asset, Muffin.
Becca: She IS! She’s full of ass.
Andy: Do you think you’ll be in the mood after your upper endoscopy?
Richard: Tinder doesn’t let you put your age past 60.
Me: How do you know?
Richard: (frantic) I don’t know!!
Andy: Have you met Ed’s friend?
Yvonne: They all look the same except for Gurjant.
My Friends Say Things 