Josh: Why do they call you Mr. Krabs?
Eugene: ‘cause my name’s Eugene.
Josh: I hate that.
(Viva La Vida begins playing)
Yi: I sing the white man’s song.
Me: So we were talking about a prenup—
Deshi: It’s like a condom for your marriage.
Alice: It’s funny ‘cause most of my friends are queer.
Danny: Again, I am shocked you have friends.
Me: And what, be a LinkedIn thought leader?
Fab: Ew.
Jess: AHHHHHHH!!
Me: Wait no, you knew this.
Jess: My back cracked for you in excitement!
Alice: I had a huge falling out with my friends so I made gay ones.
Me: I think that’s racist adjacent.
Aileen: MAYBE I WANT TO BE.
Deshi: What’s that guy’s name again?
Me: I think Keef. Like Keith but Keef.
Deshi: I thought it was quiche. But that’s a pie.
Andy: (walks into room) I heard slander about our modern-day Shakespeare, Young Thug.
My Friends Say Things 