Callie: And I found him in the back, sitting in the office chair, sucking on a ketchup packet.
Me: Was he poor?
Callie: No, he was high.
Ivy: Yeah, this girl was very anti-technology, she had a flip phone. Anyway, she moved to Nova Scotia and gave it to me.
Helen: I would say it doesn’t bother me, but I also live in squalor.
Sinyi: 80-90% of the cabinets are soft-close.
Me and Jess: (gasps)
Chi: Hi, I’m Chi.
Me: Oh so nice to meet you, we have Chi Chi here too.
Chi: So at this table, we have Chi Chi Chi.
Chi Chi: (turns to me) You’re Chi too?
Me: No, I’m Irisa.
Callie: He printed the entire script of the first Fast and Furious movie and I found it in the printer and was like, what the fuck? He said he was going to use it as wallpaper in his room as an accent wall.
Jess: She likes ice because she likes drinking water, but she also likes the unpredictable nature of where the ice will go.
Me: Wow, gamified water drinking.
Me: You know it’s business time when the—
Me and Andy: (in unison) Imagine Dragons comes on.
Rui: His name is Joe. He was a drug dealer-turned-realtor.
Me: They were talking about piles of diarrhea, and they pulled out their phones and were comparing dates and which pile of diarrhea—
Dave: Oh, there’s an app for that.
My Friends Say Things 