Callie: He printed the entire script of the first Fast and Furious movie and I found it in the printer and was like, what the fuck? He said he was going to use it as wallpaper in his room as an accent wall.
Jess: She likes ice because she likes drinking water, but she also likes the unpredictable nature of where the ice will go.
Me: Wow, gamified water drinking.
Me: You know it’s business time when the—
Me and Andy: (in unison) Imagine Dragons comes on.
Rui: His name is Joe. He was a drug dealer-turned-realtor.
Me: They were talking about piles of diarrhea, and they pulled out their phones and were comparing dates and which pile of diarrhea—
Dave: Oh, there’s an app for that.
Josh: Why do they call you Mr. Krabs?
Eugene: ‘cause my name’s Eugene.
Josh: I hate that.
(Viva La Vida begins playing)
Yi: I sing the white man’s song.
Me: So we were talking about a prenup—
Deshi: It’s like a condom for your marriage.
Alice: It’s funny ‘cause most of my friends are queer.
Danny: Again, I am shocked you have friends.
Me: And what, be a LinkedIn thought leader?
Fab: Ew.
My Friends Say Things 