Ashley: I’ve never met him before. If I don’t text you by midnight, I’m murdered.
Author Archives: Irisa
Dad: What are those chickpeas like? Are they soft?
Me: They’re kinda firm but soft on the inside. Here, try one.
Dad: No! I don’t like them.
Me: What, why?
Dad: Because they’re ugly.
Jess: He has Instagram but hasn’t posted in three years.
Winston: I follow The Rock and that’s it.
Rickey: I was SO excited when the Raptors won! I only bandwagon-ed but I was still SO excited.
Me: I don’t regret it. I just didn’t get the outcome I wanted. That’s all. It’s no one’s fault.
Ivy: It was a beautiful thing to be hopeful about.
Becca: Look at that corgi. It’s like twerking as it’s walking.
Me: It’s gonna be a candle-making party tomorow.
Christine: Wait, was that for real? Like not a figure of speech?
Mom: 70% of North American families have an Instant Pot! You can’t say that about having both a mom and a dad.
Val: Anyway, it’s time for quality music.
Google Home speaker: It’s Britney, bitch.
Ryan: And I was like, man, if it were any colder, I’d be complaining so much right now.
Jenn: And I was like, did you just manufacture a hypothetical situation so you could complain about it?
