Mom: I’ll never get people that get so torn up about relationships. Like, turn on the news, look at Syria.
Me: Why am I so hairy and gassy?
Ava: I literally think the same.
Christine: We only twerk when we’re sad. It cheers us up.
Sai: What happened to your blog?
Me: Well… I stopped seeing people because of the pandemic. And that made it hard for friends to say things to me. And my blog is called My Friends Say Things.
Becca: I’ll just do whatever’s easiest. And Guy Fieri does not sound like an easy costume to make.
Mike: I would love any place with good company.
Mike: Except jail.
Me: Oh my god. Who hurt you?
Mike: Break out the wine, baby girl.
Dustin: Never underestimate old dudes. They walk around whole ass gym locker rooms buck naked.
Me: By the way, if I order a cake, another cake—
Andy: “If,” good one.
Erin: I made this quinoa soup and Dave just texted me, “So did you add chicken, salmon or bread to this?”
Erin: It was a cheese rind.
Erin: Dave ate the whole parm rind. He saw the words stamped on it and thought it was “spices.”
