Me: Oh my god. Who hurt you?
Mike: Break out the wine, baby girl.
Dustin: Never underestimate old dudes. They walk around whole ass gym locker rooms buck naked.
Me: By the way, if I order a cake, another cake—
Andy: “If,” good one.
Erin: I made this quinoa soup and Dave just texted me, “So did you add chicken, salmon or bread to this?”
Erin: It was a cheese rind.
Erin: Dave ate the whole parm rind. He saw the words stamped on it and thought it was “spices.”
Mei: The ugliest people are the funniest.
Me: Yeah, why do you think we’re hilarious?
Both: Ehehehehehe.
Christine: It’s like when people say “birthday cake.” All cakes are birthday cakes if you have them on your birthday…
Random Dude: Whoa, I thought that shirt you’re holding was a dog.
Me: It is. (wiggles sweater) Woof woof.
Me: (continues walking)
Random Dude: Jenny, come back.
Kubi: (howls for attention)
Kevin: We can be 10 minutes away from this hoe and he will act like we abandoned him for years.
Me: Why are you liking your own messages?
Mike: Because I’m funny. And if no one’s gonna validate me, I’ll validate myself.
Me: Happy birthday, dad!
Dad: Okay, okay.
Dad: (looks up) What are you wearing?
My Friends Say Things 