KM: Have I ever lied to you?

Me: We just met.

KM: So no.

German Colleague: We have a new saying, a British Exit, where you say you will leave but won’t.

Monkey Tour Guide: If you want to scream, just do it.

Jared: I always open with a kumbaya circle, which everyone hates but I love because it makes everyone mad.

Me: How do you stay so high energy all the time?

Hairstylist: Girl, I’m dead on the inside.

Classmate: My teacher discouraged me from pursuing art because they said it will lead to poverty.

Painting Class Instructor: Well, they weren’t wrong.

Guy in Aisle Seat: (turns to me) I think we got lucky.

Guy Entering Middle Seat: The dream dies with me.

Emilia: A lot of edits are opinions.

(Everyone outside smoking at a party)

Marcus: (comes inside) What are you nerds doing?

Me: (mouth full) Eating tofu.

Groom: Alright, your girlfriend’s fucking weird. (turns to me) I’ve seen your blog, by the way. (runs away)