Calvin: Please don’t kill me. I’m, like, not even 30 yet. Please don’t kill me.
Author Archives: Irisa
(looking for Uber)
Me: Is that a Jeep?
Kaili: Yeah, I think so.
Me: Yeah.
Poonam: ………………………that is definitely a Ford.
Me: (shows photo and laughs) Look at how high his socks are.
Daryl: I…. I-I wear…. (scoffs) …fuck you.
(on a dating app)
Razi: This girl’s name is Nay. I’m gonna be like, “damn girl, you look more like a YAY!”
Me: Yeah, he asked me what I was doing this weekend.
Cindy: You can say, “NOT YOU!” Haw haw haw.
(on creating social media content)
Me: I just don’t want there to be comments like—
Deshi: Make controversy, that’s engagement.
Stan: Did you see the way her eyes just lit up?
(on almond milk)
Tina: So apparently, the milk industry hates it when these companies use the word milk and wants them to use the term, “nut juice.”
Kanu: I saw Deshi in the kitchen and was like, “is that Yung Desh in the flesh?” And then when she came back to her desk, she looked and me said, “yes, it’s Flesh ‘n Desh.”
Me: Imagine I actually start telling people that and they think I’m special.
Christine: I think the problem is that you don’t think you’re special.
Norman: (sending e-transfer) Why don’t you have auto-deposit set up?
Norman: The answer is “justinbieber”.
My Friends Say Things 