Jess: (reads box) What kind of cookies are these? Square.
Jess: (opens box) Wtf, these aren’t even square.
Author Archives: Irisa
Jen: Ohhh, that smells good. Smells like Sheppard’s Pie. (turns around violently) WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?
Anviksha: I can see through fuck boys and their fuckery.
Fabienne: This is such a gay party.
Me: What did you expect? You announced me as “The Straight.”
Fabienne: (shrugs and nods)
Me: So you sued him?
Don: Yes.
Me: And won?
Don: Yes.
Me: Good, none of my bitches sue and lose.
(on Marc Gasol)
Michael: That’s right, you can’t dunk on The Wall.
Me: People call him The Wall?
Michael: ….I call him The Wall.
Me: Saddle up, kiddos. Your girl’s going for a ride. Yeehaw seesaw.
Dustin: I love the spirit but that sounds like those last words before you actually go to jail.
Holly: Harry, you’ve been very rude today. Let go of the pumpkin seeds. Live, laugh, love.
Me: I just have to think of a way to frame it nicely.
Dustin: “Aite I ain’t tryna be no snitch right. But these two clowns be bitches man, what da fuk.”
(at a club)
Bessie: (slaps my arm) STOP YAWNING.
My Friends Say Things 