(leaving a party)
Me: He was kinda weird….
Timmy: Yeah, let’s go talk about him in the car.
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Me: He had a dad bod, though.
Ava: Ooooh, yeah.
Me: What?
Ava: There isn’t a part of you that’s like, “Oh yeah, jiggle?”
Me: (laughs uncontrollably)
Ava: I have made a terrible mistake.
Mojan: I’m pro-ghosting. Like, don’t tell me why I suck because you’re wrong. Just ghost me.
Andy: If I’m going to hell, it’s because the instructions were unclear.
Mom: Life is a marathon, not a sprint.
Me: This dude just messaged me, “Hey hey heyyyyyy!”
Sanila: My vagina just shrivelled up.
Jess: Yo, in Prague, a bird shat on me so big, I thought someone threw a rotten tomato at me.
Me: You’re the comeback kid.
Mojan: I definitely get a lot of c** on my back.
Me: Jesus.
Mojan: I’m sorry.
Me: Wow Kaili, you’re going to live forever!
Kaili: Fuck.
Sinyi: How could you do that to yourself? How could anyone live like that?
Me: What, not have Snapchat?
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