Me: Imagine I actually start telling people that and they think I’m special.
Christine: I think the problem is that you don’t think you’re special.
Tag Archives: greatest hits
Razi: So while I have you guys here, I want to tell you guys about this idea Stan and I have. We’re going to have an egg stand.
Me and Val: (uncontrollable laughter)
Sai: I want to laugh, but I can’t.
Razi: And we’ll be in the financial district in the morning, a dollar an egg, that’s all we’ll do. We’ll be called Cracked.
Val: No.
Razi: And you know how people have hot dog stands? We’ll be in an eggshell.
Kanu: My roommate’s weird too. She’s this 55-year-old woman and I don’t know… She, like, says things.
Sai: Can you not talk shit about your mom?
Calvin: I think you’re overreacting, calm down.
Me: Have you ever had your eyes gouged out before?
Calvin: Oh yeah, these are replacement eyes.
Jess: Yo, there’s a tick and when it bites you, you become allergic to red meat.
All: (horrified silence)
Linda: It’s a vegetarian bug! It’s going to save our planet!
Calvin: If you name spiders, it’s less scary. Like maybe, the spider’s name last night is Chad. Chad is just trying to chill.
Daryl: Why wouldn’t you want a boy?
Me: I don’t want to bring another man into this world. They f*ck shit up.
Daryl: That’s what we do.
Don: I don’t like the term dad bod, I prefer father figure.
Zoe: I am going to vomit on you.
(Lining up for pizza)
Man in Car: (shouts) ALL THIS FOR PIZZA?
Line: Yeah.
Man in Car: HOW MUCH?
Line: $3.
Man in Car:
Man in Car: ……..oh fuck, pull over, pull over.
Lindsay: And he was all like, “Can you help me carry this?” And I was like, “No, I’m having an emotional breakdown, you’re going to have to carry that yourself.”
My Friends Say Things 