Timmy: Irisa, are you happy with your current pillow?
Me: Who is making you do this?
Kelly: I miss you, you keep me sane.
Ava: Fuck you, adversity.
Ying: [Finding] good dick attached to a decent guy is hard.
Jenn: Gluten-free lap dances. Only in Portland.
Lauren: Quyen thought I was actually a mom, but I was like, no just emotionally.
Me: Want me to kill him?
Andy T: He’s in NYC!
Me: What!
Andy T: He’s an investment banker.
Me: So he’s already killing himself.
Both: AYYYYYYYY!!! (cheers)
Kristina: There is no need to run. Like, why is she running? Is there a fire? Even if there was, leave me here to die.
Andrew: Michelle Obama’s my best friend.
Emily: I don’t believe you.
Andrew: Why?
Emily: ‘Cause you’re a lying bitch.
Me: Whatever happened to Madonna?
Becca: She’s old.
My Friends Say Things 