Jess: …and then you’ll get infested with ants. And then ants will take over the world. Yo man, ants are scary.

(filming the guards at Buckingham Palace)

Jess: I’ll just use my camera so I can zoom in and it will still be high qual. It looks like they’re gangbanging but whatevs.

(reminiscing about playing outside during recess)

Jess: So one time in grade two, Tiffany and I found a jalapeno pepper.