Me: We turned out fine!

Ivy: Says someone who hasn’t even begun processing her trauma.

Ivy: It’s true. No one cares about accountants.

(admires new shelf)

Ivy: I love new furniture.

Me: I got it off Kijiji! Off some French people getting deported!

Ivy: His ascending is in SCORPIO!! ABORT MISSION??!?

Me: (stares)

Ivy: No, no, she’s not a bitch. Just a scorpio.

Me: And then he was like, “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.”

Ivy: You should be like, “GOOD, GET USED TO IT.”

Ivy: OH you’re talking to me, I thought you were talking to yourself.

Ivy: Hey Siri, who made absinthe?

Ivy: (shows phone to me) Hilary Duff.