Deshi: My Italian coworker’s such a hater, I can’t wait for his reaction.

Me: Does Chris have any friends that are single, smart, and not ugly?

Deshi: The last part made things impossible.

Deshi: She said I was brave for eating oysters at my age.

Me: What does that mean?

Deshi: She’s also scared of everything.

Me: So we were talking about a prenup—

Deshi: It’s like a condom for your marriage.

Deshi: What’s that guy’s name again?

Me: I think Keef. Like Keith but Keef.

Deshi: I thought it was quiche. But that’s a pie.

Deshi: He went to Japan to search for kappas.

Me: That’s not right.

Deshi: He’s separated from his wife and they coparent their cat.

Me: I knew that was gonna be an animal and not a child.

Deshi: And like… He listens to indie music.

Me: Like Bon Iver?

Deshi: Deeper.

Me: Damn.

Me: Maybe some people have mastered the art of eating where they shit, but very cleanly.

Deshi: Why am I thinking of the pizza in your bathroom?

Me: I can see how you arrived at that conclusion.