Calvin: I used to have tortillas on hand all the time so I could make emergency tacos.
Tag Archives: Cheng
Calvin: So in preparation of tonight, I made a playlist called, “Asian People Party Music.”
Calvin: Please don’t kill me. I’m, like, not even 30 yet. Please don’t kill me.
Calvin: BOOOOOO!
Me: Wait, why are you booing?
Calvin: I don’t know.
Calvin: (singing) Give me a siiiiiiiiiiiign—
Me, Calvin and Bogdan the Uber driver: HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
Calvin: I think you’re overreacting, calm down.
Me: Have you ever had your eyes gouged out before?
Calvin: Oh yeah, these are replacement eyes.
Calvin: Is that someone digging into a mango?
Me: It was pornographic fruit art???
Calvin: Oh, LOL, that went over my head. Was like… why smash some good fruit?
Calvin: If you name spiders, it’s less scary. Like maybe, the spider’s name last night is Chad. Chad is just trying to chill.
Calvin: Damn, I apologize on behalf of guys out there… Men can be real assholes.
Calvin: If you need to know one self defense move, it’s called the nut punch – highly effective.
Calvin: Like, my friend was sorted into Gryffindor but he can’t bear to watch horror movies… Get outta here.
My Friends Say Things 